Plumb Loco!

In the interest of being cutting edge and competitive, I've decided to reach beyond the confines of this personal blog to give my readers access to other points of view and expertise greater than my own.  Not well known enough to line up an interview with John McCain, Barack Obama or Joe Biden and too well known to speak to Sarah Palin ( who talks less than Garbo, anyway, and is about as difficult to understand), I decided to try my luck with a lesser known but lately notorious member of the political elite who might be a bit more forthcoming.  Yes, gentle reader, I put in a call to Toledo, Ohio and the infamous (and apparently non-appositional) Joe the Plumber.  Little did I realize that I was already too late.

Man's Voice:  Hello.

Me:  Hello, Joe?  Joe the Plumber?

Man:  No.  This is Mr. Wetzelberger's personal representative, Swifty Moskowitz.

Me:  Personal rep....

Man:  Yes, Mr. Wetzelberger....

Me:  I believe the name is Wurzelbacher.

Man:  Wetzelberger, Wurzelbacher, what's the difference?  Senator McCain called him Wetzelberger....

Me:  Wurtzelberger.

Man:  What's a burger?

Me:  McCain called him Wurtzelberger.  But his real name is Wurzelbacher.

Man:  Look, let's not make a baseball routine out of this.  Wertzel, Wetzel...what's it matter? We call him Joe the Plumber anyways.

Me:  True.  So can I talk to Joe?

Man:  Joe, is it?  You fixin to do some 'say it ain't so' bit here.  Or maybe you're a friend or something?

Me:  No.  Sorry.  Can I talk to Mr. the Plumber?

Man:  Actually, Mr. Wer...ah, Joe is booked through mid-November.

Me:  Booked?

Man:  Ah, yeah.  Six morning talk shows, a MOREY, a THE VIEW,  a MEET THE PRESS....Let's see....

Me:  There's more?

Man:  Three water softeners, a bidet, and a public toilet.

Me:  Public toilet?

Man:  At Senator Craig's house, I believe.  So, I'm afraid we can't spare him.

Me:  How disappointing.  Well,  I'm sorry to have....

Man:  I can get you a deal on a kosher butcher, though.

Me:  Kosher butcher?

Man:  Yeah, my brother-in-law, Shmuel.  McCain would've used him in Miami. but he couldn't pronounce the name.

Me:  Shmuel.

Man:  Yeah, and when Palin tried to say it, oy.  It was a cross, you should excuse the expression, between a brecher and a briss.   So, you want, Shmuel?

Me:  No.

Man:  My sister neither.  How about a nice chicken sexer?

Me:  No, look....

Man:  A towel boy, a roofer, maybe a rodeo clown?

Me:  No, look.  I wanted an interview.  You know.  About politics.

Man:  Politics, he says.  You want to talk politics so you're calling a what?  A plumber?  How dumb is that?  Now, I got this mail room guy, Billy....

Me:  Yeah, but he's a mail room guy!

Man:  Aha.  But he works for a bunch of shyster lawyers.  Ain't that closer to  politics than some gentleman what's got his head down some crapper?

Me: Ah....

Man:  On second thought, don't answer that.  Let's see, I got Billy, the mail guy; Hazel, the receptionist; Phil, the department store cop....

Me:  But don't these people have last names?

Man:  Say, I thought you was in politics.  Last names,pah.... Whose got time for last names? You see what happened to Senator Smartypants when he got into last names?  Wurtzel, wetzel, pretzel.  All that went out with the Edsel.  You think he calls them guys who mow his 7, 8, 9 lawns by last names?  No, it's Juan, the hedge guy; Juan, the flower cutter; Juan, the bug guy....

Me:  I....

Man:  This Juan here.  That Juan there.....

Me:  But....

Man:  Jobs is how you name the people who do for you or, praise God, who bring you a vote every few years.  Last names are for contributors.  The guys who pay the freight, not the guys what carry it.---Or maybe they give last names to the crooks they want to accuse you of palling with or....Hey, that reminds me.  I got this bookie named Fred.

Me:  Nah.  I guess I'll just....

Man:  What about a nice stage dancer.  You know table dance, lap dance?  How's about a Ginger, Bambi, Fawn, Rachel, Cinnamon?

Me:  Hmm.  Exotic dancer?  That could dress the site up?  Say, are they pretty?  You got pictures?  You....

Man:  Pictures, he says.  Boobalah, I don't know who it is raised you?  Or where you been?  But I'm talking about the same girl here.  You know, on Mondays she's Rachel; Tuesdays, Ginger; Wednesdays....

Me:  O.K.  I get the picture.  Let me get back to you on that.

Man:  Sure.  And, by the way, should you need somebody after the election, I got a governor and a snowmobile  guy I can let you have real cheap.